Saturday, August 11, 2018

Bless You Thompson


“What’ll I do with just a photograph to tell my troubles to? When I’m alone with only dreams of you that won’t come true, what’ll I do?”

Rare is the night where you know with absolute certainty that tomorrow will be one of the saddest days of your life. I’m writing this knowing that less than 24 hours from now Thompson will be forever gone.

The one consolation is it has become clear to me it is time to let him go. Over the past few years he has lost more than half of his body weight. He’s endured the traumatic experience of multiple visits to the vet and has been tested over and over but whatever is devouring him from inside was never determined. He hasn’t eaten anything for over two weeks (16 days). There isn’t an ounce of fat on his body and it’s clearly becoming more difficult for him to move around. He doesn’t seem to be in any pain but he is constantly purring in an attempt to try to make himself feel better. He’s taken to resting in places in the house he usually doesn’t rest and it has left me to wonder if it’s a matter of trying to find a space where he’ll feel a little more comfortable or if it is a ritualistic way of saying goodbye to the only home he has known for 15 out of the 16 years of his life. The life is leaving his eyes.

Tonight he actually hobbled downstairs and up on the couch to lie on my chest as I was watching the Twins game with Diego-san and Theo. I tried to make the moment last forever as I knew it would likely be the last time.

One of my favorite things about Thompson is watching him move. It’s a lurching move forward as if he has to momentarily think about where to place his lone front leg in order to take the step forward. His is a halting gait that reminds me of jazz; it's unpredictable yet purposeful.  I’m doing a lot of diversity and inclusion work at work and one of the things I’ve learned through that effort is our need to categorize people and things to bring order to our thoughts. Thompson lost his front left leg to an animal trap placed in the park he was living in so it’s been easy to define him as my three-legged cat. The greatest thing of all and one of the many life lessons he has taught me is his disability has been a part of his life but it is far from the only thing that defines him. 

I love his natural imperfections, the brown spot on the left side of his nose that otherwise interrupts the white fur around his nose, mouth and chin; the intermingling of black and pink paw pads; how the white fur on his legs are of differing heights. He could never be a show cat but all that makes Thompson Thompson is worth everything else I have ever loved in this world. He isn’t the most cuddly cat but the times he has chosen to cuddle have been the best. He lies on my chest on the side of his missing leg and it allows him to get his head, without the inconvenient barrier of a limb getting in the way, to get as close to my heart as possible.

He has always been the talker of the house and it's sad that his arsenal of meows has been reduced to a short, tired, and resigned grunt.

During a time where I have felt alarmingly less connected and far less inspired by anything and everything, Thompson has remained an inspiring soul. As my darkest deepening unrelenting depression returned four years ago at the same time Thompson’s health turned for the worse, I made a pact with him: I wouldn’t give up as long as he didn’t. Let the record show he never gave up. He's been good at teaching me that life is about finding a place to call home and he was glad he found his, but there ultimately comes a fight where it becomes clear the circumstance is insurmountable. I get that.

One last life lesson learned from Thompson: at any moment of time you can suddenly lose an important piece of yourself. Perhaps even more insidiously is it can happen over a period of time when you don’t even notice the loss until it’s too late. The important thing is understanding the key is how you adapt to this unwanted change. We always have the choice on how we are going to try to take the next step. Thompson never wavered in his devotion to his two brothers. And he always let me know how grateful he was for the meals, for my attention, and for me coming home every night to complete our daily routines. My biggest regret is I couldn’t somehow share Thompson’s huge heart and great soul with the entire world.

I think the thing I’ll miss most about him is the day to day, moment to moment moments that have comprised the past 15 years. Like his brothers, Thompson knew that when the alarm clock went off and I finished with my shower it was breakfast time. He joined the stampede down the stairs to the bowls in the kitchen. He patiently took his place next to his BFF, Diego-San, waiting for me to fill his dish. At night he knew that when I was finished watching TV, there would be a clicking off noise from the TV and it was time for dinner. He knew on the weekends the routine was slightly different and when I got back with my soy latte from the coffee shop across the street that it was treat time. He would be the first to bellow out his meow in anticipation. Over the past couple of years the weekend routine incorporated music and reading time. Thompson took his place on my right arm making it difficult to turn the pages of the book I was reading but I really didn’t mind at all. 

I can’t fathom a world without Thompson. There are a certain few souls we are lucky to meet in our lifetime that fundamentally change us to our core, who inspire us to be better. Thompson did this for me and I’ll always be eternally grateful.


43 comments:

Summer at sparklecat.com said...

Summer's human here - I so understand and grieve with you. It was four years at the end of this month that Sparkle and I parted ways on earth. And her end was pretty similar to Thompson's in all the obvious ways: not eating on her own, and then not eating at all, illness undiagnosed, undetermined, and ultimately a mystery to the vets. But that's where the similarity ends because each goodbye is unique to the beings sharing it with one another. Nevertheless, within the uniqueness of each situation, there's a shared pain, and I feel you today. Love to you and your feline family.

cwcwccw said...

Love your feline family

Erin the Cat Princess said...

I do not think I have heard a nicer tribute to a dear friend, and the love and sharing that we have. Thompson is such an awesome guy and has clearly shared so much and taught so much in so doing. That surely is the meaning of a perfect relationship friendship and love....
Sending all our love to you all at this sad time.
Gentle purrs
ERin

Tama-Chan, Benny, Vidock, Violette, Ollie, Heloise, Momo, Ryu said...

We had never visited your blog before but were so touched by what you wrote. Losing each of our little friends is like losing a piece of our heart. The quality of these relationships is so unique and, in so many ways, so much purer than those we have with fellow human beings. We send our purrs and thoughts to you as you prepare to escort Thompson to the stars.

Everyone at The Poupounette

Holly said...

So very sorry. It’s the hardest thing on earth to lose one we love.

Connie - Tails from the Foster Kittens said...

Sending deep rumbly purrs of comfort and condolence at this difficult time

Unknown said...

This might be the most beautiful tribute I’ve ever read. It reminds me so much of my last days with my soul kitty, Sasha. I clung to our rituals as if they might make her last just a little bit longer. She fought so hard, but there was a moment I could see in her eyes that she was only fighting for me and I knew it was time. I struggled to figure out how to cope without the one thing that had gotten me through everything else in my life for over 20 years. I never did find a way. I shut down for nearly a month, going through the motions of living without really participating. I don’t remember much from those days, and I’m glad. It will be ten years since she left to go OTRB, but not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I let myself talk to her every now and again. To not get her big, excited response always causes my heart to skip a beat. But I still have things to tell her sometimes. We told each other everything- a habit we began her first few days with me as an 8 week old kitten with so much to say. Life has gone on, but it’s never been the same. Losing her was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through until losing my mom a few months ago- and now I have two equally painful losses I’d rather not have. Thompson sounds like he was your soul kitty. I can tell you with certainty that he will live on in your heart forever. When you think you can’t remember his smell, or the soft feeling of his fur, just close your eyes, and look in your heart. Those memories will be safely stored deep within your soul, and you’ll find your way to them in your heart. Sending gentle hugs of comfort and soft soothing purrs at this most difficult time.

Dash Kitten Crew said...

I have never heard such a heartfelt tribute to such a cat who has been so loved. You describe everything that we as cat lovers know, hurt for, and miss, and love about our cats when this time comes. Thank you for that.

Thompson truly has been one in a million and he relies on you this one last time, and the gap he leaves will be immense. BUT please carry on. His memory needs to live on in you.

Ave et Vale Thompson cat. You will be missed, travel safely dear cat friend.

Random Felines said...

We are so very sorry. We love all, but know that sometimes there is that special heart cat that makes letting go so much harder.

Lola The Rescued Cat said...

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. Thompson's pawprints will forever be on your heart, and I hope they bring you comfort in times of sadness.

Helen said...

Thompson and Rudy left us this weekend. The world is dimmer today. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Alastriona, The Cats and Dogs said...

We are so very sorry for your loss. Thompson was a wonderful cat and we know he cherished his time with you. Purrs of comfort and paws of sympathy from all of us. ~Scylla, Chimera, Yin, Yang, Fenris, Tuiren & Mom Alasandra

The Island Cats said...

I am so very sorry. I'm sitting here in tears reading your beautiful tribute to your special boy. I feel your sadness and pain. Sending you comforting hugs and love.

Go in peace, Thompson...you will never be forgotten and will always be loved.

~Island Cat Mom

Jacqueline said...

I'm so very sorry for this huge loss in your life; Thompson was so special and will never truly leave you, living forever in your heart...I feel your pain and know it is almost unbearable to lose such a precious soul...Wishing you comfort at this terrible time...XO

"Always the years between us...Always the years...Always the love...Always the hours..."~Virginia Woolf

Mickey's Musings said...

Such a lovely tribute to a wonderful inspiring cat <3
Knowing that their lives are shorter than ours does not help.
They imprint themselves so deeply in our hearts(some more than others)
that it feels as though a piece of our heart is torn out when they pass.
Doing this for Thompson is hard and we send you purrs,comfort and lots of love.

With leaky eyes,
Georgia,Julie and JJ and mum Nancy

joanne said...

We are so sorry for your loss of Thompson. We understand the pain of losing out family members and wish you could be spared. Sending you hugs and our love.

Shaggy and Scout said...

Hello Dear Friends across town,
Ì am deeply saddened by this news and my heart goes out to you. It's just been a little over a year since my Shaggy left me, I dreamed that I was holding him again just the other night. All our cats are special but only once comes one who is our heart and a piece of us dies when they do. Time lessens the anguish, but the hole is always there. I am crying because I know the hollow nothingness of deep depression and how healing a cat can be, a cat who knows what you are going through and sticks by your side to see you through it. Shaggy was that way. He knew. He and Thompson were true empaths. My last dance with the darkness was doubly hard because he wasn't there for me to hold.
I'm with you in spirit, as you say goodbye to such a dear treasure, such a loving companion. His little spirit will soar free now.
Lynne (and Scout)

Jans Funny Farm said...

What a beautiful tribute to Thompson! It has me teary - and sad because I've never been able to write a loving tribute for any of my furries. You have been so fortunate to have had so many years with Thompson. He sounds so special. I know this is a very painful time for you. Thompson will be okay. I hope you will be too. Hugs!

Just Ducky said...

so sorry for your loss. It is a sad day when our cherish friends leave us behind.

Katie Isabella said...

I am sitting here in tears. Katie Isabella is my heart cat as was Admiral. To lose Thompson is shattering for you. Nothing is the same. I send love and comfort to you and though we didn't know one another...I grieve that he isn't here. You WILL meet again.

Max said...

Oh man, I'm leaking. I am so, so sorry :'(
My heart hurts for you. But man, that was beautiful. Seriously.

Brian's Home Blog said...

Such a lovely tribute to your special guy. We are so very sorry and send love and hugs to you. We totally understand the heartache.

Stacy Hurt said...

Oh my dearest. Such a heartfelt lovely tribute. I'm so terribly sorry it's time. it's so damn hard. xoxo

JaneA Kelley said...

I remember when my beautiful Siouxsie told me it was time to let her go. It was one of the most gut-wrenching moments in my life. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and your tribute is absolutely lovely. Peace be with you and Thompson as you reach the end of your journey together.

catladymac said...

What a beautiful tribute to your "heart-cat." He knows how much you love him,and he will never really leave you. {urrayers and POTP to Thompson, his brothers, and you.

Unknown said...

Beautiful blog post David. I can’t imagine how much you will miss Thompson.

pilch92 said...

Such a beautiful tribute to such a beautiful soul. I am so sorry he has to leave you. XO

Katnip Lounge said...

I've been out of the blogging world for a while but I had to break radio silence to tell you just how very very sorry I am to read this; Thompson was one of those one in a million dudes that our lives are forever enriched and changed for having known them.
I can tell you that the rip-roaring pain does get better. I lost my heart-cat, The Baby, in February '17 and I can look back now with bittersweet joy, thinking how she would have enjoyed one thing or another. I hope that you will be able to find this as well, in time.
I send you peace. Godspeed, Thompson.

Sweet Purrfections said...

We are so sorry to hear it's time for Thompson to go. This is the most gut-wrenching decision you're making, but it's made with all the love you have to offer. Please know our thoughts are with you.

Karla said...

We at miss peach’s cozy cottage are deeply saddened by your post about Thompson. Our hearts ache for you because we know that dreadful decision you must make...we have made it too many times before. Please know how much we care. May memories comfort you in those dark days ahead.

The Swiss Cats said...

We had never visited your blog before, and we're sorry to meet you in such sad circumstances. What a beautiful tribute to your "soul-cat". Purrs and hugs to you

Colehaus Cats said...

We are so sorry Thompson was needed at the Bridge. Thank you for loving him, caring for him, and sharing him with all of us. Sending all our purrs.

Pam and Teddy said...

We are so sad to learn of Thompson's departure for the Bridge. Our own Sammy is there and I bet was part of the welcome committee. It sounds like Thompson had a wonderful life with you and just as it was with Sammy, I think maybe he let you know in his way that it was time to "Call it a day". It's certainly the hardest thing to do but that last look in their eyes says - I believe - "thank you for loving me so much".

Hugs, Pam and Teddy

da tabbies o trout towne said...

dood; we did not have the honor of knowing you, as long as some of your other friends, but we did have the honor of being able to.... call you our friend; we are beyond sorry and we understand how very difficult this is for dad....May St Francis be by your side every step of the way so you don't feel pain, you have no suffering, and you are not afraid..Godspeed buddy...we will never forget you ♥♥♥♥♥♥

dai$y, tuna, mackerull, dude, sauce and boomer ~~~~~~~

Mark's Mews (Marley, Lori, Loki, and Binq) said...

Our Best Purrs Of Comfort to you...

John Bellen said...

What a wonderful tribute to Thompson, though it can only convey a hint of this beautiful cat to those of us unlucky enough not to know him. How he filled the lives of those humans who love him is obvious. How they will miss him is just as obvious. Godspeed, Thompson.

Peachy, Stippie, Angel Binky and Granny said...

What a beautiful tribute from the heart. It touched ours...deeply. Soft Pawkisses to comfort you <3 Fly free beautiful Soul💗💗💗

ANGEL ABBYGRACE said...

I do remember from 5 years ago in August when my beloved soul cat told me it was time to go and how heartbreaking it was. I am so very very sorry for I truly heard your pain and sadness. This is the very first time I have visited and I sure wish I had known Thompson, but what a wonderful bond you two shared. I also know from my own Journey with Abby that words fail and nothing can give any comfort. Time will ease the sharpest of the pain but it only softens and never goes away because I finally found what we once love is always missing from our heart and that loss is our Grief. You wrote a beautiful testament of love to your dear sweet heart kitty and I hope that time quickly softens the harshness and you remember only goodness.

tara said...

You gave Thompson a good life. There was so much unconditional love between the two of you; what a gift. He changed you, and vice versa. I'm proud to have known Thompson and I'm remembering him today.

Angels Amber and Max DaWeenie and Mom said...

I'm so very sorry to hear about Thompson. No matter how hard you try to prepare yourself to say goodbye, it's just never easy and it leaves a huge hole in your heart. Let all the good memories fill up that empty space.

Hugs to you....

Aimable Cats said...

They say it only hurts as much as you love them.

For those of us who really love our cats, it really hurts.

CatInTheFridge said...

Sadness. I just read something that I thought was lovely and may help:

"What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well." from "Death is nothing at all" by Henry Scott-Holland.

purrs - Alana.

Denise said...

I'm so sorry. I hadn't checked in for a couple of days and so I just saw this now; I had noticed that Thompson was looking even more frail in recent photos. I am wishing you and the boyz comfort in this time of loss -- an adjustment for you all. Thompson had a wonderful comfortable life after rescue, despite the loss of his leg. You let him live life at his own pace and he knew he was cherished. Helping your pet to pass when their life is ending is the final kindness you can give. You had many more months with him than we thought you would, so that time was a gift and a time to prepare. Your house will feel empty even the other two boyz are there and you'll see him sometimes in a glimpse. His spirit remains and the impact on your life is forever.