She Saved the World A Lot

It's become a ritual for me over the past few months to watch one of my favorite TV programs (on DVD) right before I go to bed. I've watched entire seasons of 'Six Feet Under,' 'Hill Street Blues,' 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' 'Nip Tuck,' 'Murder One,' 'Angel,' 'Firefly,' and 'Sports Night.'

Last night I finished season five of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' That's the season that Buffy's mom died unexpectantly, and the season ends with Buffy's death. When the shows from that season originally aired on the WB all those years ago, it was a couple of years after my own Mom died. The emotional undercurrent of the storyline was deadly accurate. The episode that Buffy's mom died in particular is one of the most powerful works of art I've ever seen. It captured so perfectly the overwhelming unemotional aspect to losing someone so close.

Part of the storyline leading up to Buffy's own death is how she suffers a withdrawal and breakdown as things just get to be too much to take. Her parting words to her sister Dawn convey this: "The hardest thing to do in this world is live in it."

Every time I see these episodes I cry. It was totally random and without thought that I watched the mom dying story arch right around Mother's Day. I think about how my life has changed since my own Mom died (different job, different friends, different car, different cats) and wonder how things would be different if she was still around. After the finale I lay there for a moment with first Diego-san who has such a mysterious and charismatic personality, and later Thompson who is so inspiring and a rush of emotions poured in.

The world is overwhelming. It's all about loss and finding a way to endure even if it means shutting down. And maybe that's the only way to get by.